Un-Lonelyness

Without a pet, best friend, or a family member who loves us, what is the point of getting up each day? A single powerful rejection, like a divorce or friend break up, can devastate our social confidence. And honestly? Social interaction doesn’t always bring comfort. It’s pretty typical to feel alone at a party, or having a thousand “friends” but no boon companions. So much is being exposed, explored, explained about the hazards of loneliness. The Surgeon General has declared it a public health crisis. Over half of Americans are hesitant to reach out to others, even once real friends. The fear of being unwanted overshadows their longing to belong. Honestly? Any one of us can get there for mucho reasons. 

The tagline in neurobiology is “we are hardwired to connect,” and DNA demands it for survival. But significant relationships, the ones that last, are based on a mutual sense of being trusted and liked. Blame for scary dips in mental and physical well-being–and not just with younger folks–was placed on un-social media for a decade. Then Covid had people discovering they didn’t have anyone to really talk with. It takes deliberate courage to reach out in a way that Buddha described as “loving friendliness.” He instructs us to offer this kindness freely as a foundation for our own happiness, even in the face of rejection. Yikes. Why should we bother to make or keep up with friends, new and old, silver and gold? In a fourteen-letter word, Meaningfulness.

When my hair was still long, dark, and straight, Marshall and I attended a training with Aikido master Tom Crum (The Magic of Conflict). I learned more about brain v. mind, and open-hearted interaction in one week than in two years of grad school. The exercise that took everyone down to the nubbins was to define “Your personal mission” in one sentence. It had to apply to ourselves as well as others, and in all contexts. We practiced each draft before a trio of other students, who then voted with red and white Dixie cups “up/down” on how genuine it seemed. If any were “down” we went back to a picnic table to ask what made us thrill to be alive. The one that got my Three Cups UP? “To help people love themselves and others more every day.”  If I walk away from an interaction feeling less-than, or anxious to make amends, it is because I strayed from my mission.

I was never told we must create a unique raison d’être, and conform our choices to it in order to be happy. Were you? But true sages have mined painful experiences to discover theirs, and struggled to care about others while being true to themselves. I’m sharing a few divergent thinkers who have done deep dives on this. Each has a unique influence on my own ability to keep on keeping on.

Jean-Paul Sartre, “existentialist” (No Exit), famously stated “Hell is other people,” a phrase used in jokes, to dismiss fools, or for an excuse to leave a party. But it has been too long misunderstood. Sartre was not a casual observer, having lived through two world wars and the Nazi occupation of France. “The statement, L’enfer c’est les autres, is implicitly conditional; other people are hell for us if our relationships with them are bad. Other people’s judgments invariably enter into our thoughts and feelings about ourselves. This isn’t bad in itself, for without these judgments we couldn’t truly know ourselves. What’s bad is when we allow ourselves to become overly dependent on the opinions of other people. This leads to those people being ‘hell’ for us.” (Emphasis is mine.)

I bow now to the astounding Victor Frankl, MD, the German psychiatrist (Man’s Search for Meaning). He states we must discover a larger-than-self purpose for being fully gladly alive, or else be miserable, be it alone or with others. He found freedom while being tortured in several Nazi prisons, because he wouldn’t let them destroy his love for humanity. He determined that those who choose not to give up, even in horrific circumstances, must feel a sense of purpose more powerful than their suffering. Life is beset with pain, loss, and grief. We need to believe our efforts matter, be it to insects, animals, people, Mother Earth, pure creativity, or deep personal Faith.

Thoughtful New York Times columnist, David Brooks, wasn’t raised in a cuddly home, “it was think Yiddish, act British.”  He felt separate from others as a child, preferring to observe rather than participate. He longed to be relaxed and present with others, but struggled against being acutely self-conscious. From his most recent book  (How to Know a Person), “People want to connect. Above almost any other need, human beings long to have another person look into their faces with love and acceptance.” His thesis is that people need to learn first how to give attention, rather than seeking to look good or cleverly talk about themselves. Basic Communication 101. Easy, right? Nope. Rampant self-diagnosed social phobia, even hatred of otherness, is based on the fear of being unlovable. Curiosity about others is a great way to start dissolving this doubt. And if it triggers the desire to comfort, to help; if it emboldens us to believe we have something to offer others? Wow.

My favorite moral compass is Don Miguel Ruiz’s lovely The Four Agreements. In it he builds a staircase to strengthen internal and external bonds: 1. Always be impeccable with your word. 2. Never take anything personally. 3. Never make assumptions. 4. Always do your best, but not more than your best. He was a successful surgeon, when in the early-1970s he had a terrible auto accident. Hovering above his injured body, he realized that “what needed healing was not only one’s physical brain, but the human mind as well.” After recovering, he redirected his energy toward his ancestral path, sharing ancient, transformational Toltec wisdom, taught to him by his grandmother.  He realized when he broke one of these agreements, he found himself in emotional hell. If he managed to keep them all, he knew heaven. I have tried these on, and they work great as guideposts, asking myself which agreement was broken if I’m feeling self-doubt, hurt, or anger. I recommend this book for anyone who wants to get honest, to reconnect first with their best Self, and then with others.

In the many times my life has taken what felt like abrupt downturns, I felt stultified by a job, habit, or relationship, and suffered from the delusion that I was stuck. I recognized I had slowly become separated from my Self, ignoring signs of dissatisfaction. But having experienced exploding cultural change–from Beatniks then hippies, toss in a few psychedelics, Stoic philosophers, and spiritual teachers–I know norms and rules affecting my reason for living are mutable. It might start with a dope slap of failure, leading me to feel sick, bad, crazy, and stupid. But I was never as alone as I felt. Always, first, I remembered to reach UP, ask for big G guidance. Then I could reach out: to a support group, therapist, new job or town, hungering for the reflection of who I wanted to become. Sometimes I had to rebuild from scratch. Othertimes, I reached back to the people and thinkers who supported my best Self, who reminded me of neglected, but very right, paths.

Ultimately? We recognize our best peeps and teachers when we stumble into alignment with what or who brings us delight. Not the instant gratification kind. We need the long slow warm fuzzy sense we have everything we need to face our fears, and to dive into our longing to create and connect as needed. It may involve other people. But if it be that you appreciate your own company, and feel a sense of meaning and completeness while in your studio or kitchen, with pets or just one other being? Then follow Oscar Wilde’s advice: “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” 

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